Trust Issues

Recently things ended with a guy I had been dating. We had a great time together but, we were just in different spaces. His wife had cheated on him and from what I can gather, he has some trust issues. The ability to believe in someone can be challenging after the pain of unforeseen rejection. It has taken me a long time to process my past hurt. I have done an extensive amount of work to be able to move on between therapy, books, and prayer. However, in order to trust someone, I need to take a risk. How much risk am I willing to take?

It got me thinking about how it must be on the opposite end. I wonder if I could ever trust a cheater. If I knew a person had the ability to have an affair on their spouse and leave their family, what is to stop them from doing it again? Would I be able to have the assurance that if we were going through a rough patch, he would not be thinking about someone else? Would I wonder if he was meeting someone on a business trip? Would there be other actions that would trigger pain or sorrow?

Dubious behavior haunted me at the end of my marriage. Putting the phone face down, over explaining, under explaining, and unbelievable stories just to name a few. I have learned a lot about listening to my intuition. More importantly acting on it also. It is exceedingly difficult when you are in the middle of trauma to think clearly but I have found in the last 2 years to trust my instincts more than ever.

There is an old adage that no one gets married thinking their spouse with cheat but there are many men on the dating scene who did just that. The question arises, could I date a man who deceived his family?

From what I have read, there are many men who regret the affair. Either they have realized that the new relationship was just as much work as the old one or even more, that seduction played a part in the choice to stray, or the thrill fizzled out. It is when they have this realization that they can see the pain they inflicted and want to change. Everyone deserves grace and forgiveness.

So far, I have only encountered a few men who openly admitted that the demise of their marriage was their fault. They were the ones doing the work to figure out why they cheated. I have also dealt with the blamers whose wives were all horrible. All of those dates were one and done. I ran out as fast as I could.

I am feeling much more confident and competent in my ability to decipher the type of guy I would like to have a long-term relationship with. Would I be willing to date a man who has done the work to understand his behavior? Maybe, I suppose time will tell. Let’s hope I won’t have to make that decision on today’s lunch date!