Alone for the Holiday and Silver Linings

With divorce comes many firsts. Thanksgiving was the first holiday that I have spent alone and did not see my kids. I was dreading the day for months, like a dark cloud over my head. I kept reminding myself that Thanksgiving is a time to be grateful for my blessings, which I do feel I have many. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that everything I had come to know was, again changing.

I had multiple invitations to go out of town. I am not sure if my reason for not taking anybody up on the offer was because I almost felt like I would have been running away from the pain of the reality or I was just tired. Regardless, I stayed home. I woke up without having to make our traditional breakfast casserole or the turkey dinner. I went from always cooking for at least 15 to not cooking for anyone. It was almost surreal but also, like any other weekend day.

I ended up spending the day decorating my home for Christmas. I heard from all 3 kids and felt the love. Feelings of wistful sadness occasionally flooded my brain, and I did sit with those feelings and let them be. It was painful during those moments but then I moved on and became present in the moment. I suppose that it is inevitable that my children will eventually have to be somewhere else on the holidays. I am happy that this “first “is over with though. The great news for me is that I will spend Christmas with them.

There were silver linings to this otherwise bad situation. I ended up having dinner at the top of the casino. The views, the meal and the company were spectacular. Afterwards, we went to the bar downstairs and my favorite band that I hire happened to be playing. There were several amazing couples dancing and the next thing I knew I was one of those couples. We had a great time, swinging the night away.

I did leave earlier than I would have but, my son flew in that night from his trip to see his father. I guess technically I wasn’t without family because I got to spend quality time with him for a bit that evening. I was thankful to see him, even for a short while. So, there was that too, and my house is Christmas ready!

Change is hard, but I believe that God has a plan, so I try to remember Jeremiah 29:11 when times are bleak. “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

I feel blessed. I feel loved. I can handle change.