Bittersweet

Bittersweet, both pleasant and painful, perfect for describing the feeling of dropping your child off at college. In September of 2017, we dropped my son off in downtown Los Angeles to attend the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. I was thrilled he found his passion and terrified I was leaving him in another state, in an apartment left to his own devices. I was flattered he had chosen the fashion industry and impressed with his insight of the upcoming trends and designers. On one hand I was ready for him to go and grow into the talented and mature man he is becoming, on the other, I wasn’t ready for the emptiness he left behind. From 5 in the house to 4 makes a big difference. Our home was considerably quieter without Devyn and his band of buddies. I missed his daily insights, his sassiness, his confident demeanor, and his audacious lifestyle. I still miss the vibrancy he, along with his friends, brought to the house with the constant loud music, jokes and laughter.

In just a short 6 months later, my house would go from four to three. This time a dark cloud covered our home and rained on my parade. This is when my husband left. This was a time for big changes in our small family. We all had to learn how to navigate a broken home. There were many tears and many unanswered questions. There seemed to be nothing to make the emptiness more palatable. The void in our lives cut like a knife. The joy was replaced by repressive sadness. We started seeing a therapist immediately learning coping skills and understanding the grief process. I think the devastation of divorce is never fully recoverable but great strides have been made. We still have moments of melancholy, abandonment, resentment, as well as anxiety but most of the time we talk about what lies ahead. We try to focus on what positive things the future will bring us. There are so many exciting changes that are waiting for us to embrace.

Eighteen summers have now passed and Dane is getting ready to start school at the University of Alabama. I think we are both equally nervous for him to start this new chapter in his life. I commend him for following his 4 yearlong dream to attend college in the south. Dane has chosen to follow his path rather than attending a school where his friends were accepted. I know he has second guessed his decision as the start date gets closer and although he is nervous, I find his inner strength courageous. I have started shopping and getting everything organized for this cross-country new beginning and I too have some big emotions brewing. The empty hole that Dane will leave in our little family will be heartbreaking for me. I am going to miss our cherished talks, family dinners and his messiness. I have no more job security! My daughter, Delia, does her own laundry, can cook and cleans her room without the constant nagging from me. I am feeling sentimental already, but I know he is going to grow and flourish.

As I sit here and contemplate how all these changes have affected my life, I realized that every day that passes, I have more clarity and more time to be creative. I find myself having time to think about what I want out of life. I have spent the last 21 years focusing all my energies on being a mother and wife. As the role of a mother changes with the children going off to different campuses, I get to rewrite my future. I have felt a nagging feeling that I was meant to do something different for a few years now. I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was clearly not the right time for me to switch my focus from my family. I am grateful I have been able to be fully present in my kid’s lives through the great times and our trying ordeal, however, I think that time has come.

Our home is on the market now and after it sells, we will move to a smaller one. Delia and I will reinvent our life together. I am going to hold dear every day we have together before she graduates. I will give her the same attention I gave my sons. The only difference is going from a 5 to 2 ratio my mindset changes so I get to spend more time focusing on forward thinking. Last night as I considered how my parenting responsibilities are diminishing at home, I realized I have time to be fully be me. It is in the small things that I see big changes. It is packing snack bags to keep in the car to handout to people in need. It is understanding, what I am interested in that is so exciting as well as having more time to engage in these thoughts and activities. These small changes had led to some big thinking.

Now I realize this is a blog about giving not self interest. I think it is due to having more time to reflect that I figured out what that nagging feeling I have had over the last few years was meant to blossom into. A Year of Magical Giving has already impacted my life in such a positive way. Having time for introspection has made it possible for me to open my heart to others. I am so grateful to have the ability to share the uplifting outcomes from not only from giving to our community but also sharing my story.

PS- I found that family in the plaza from the other day who were on the corner asking for handouts. I gave them the Trader Joes gift card with the intention they could be blessed with some nutritious food. The smiles on there faces were contagious. That is magical giving!