Blood, Tears and When?

“I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” Winston Churchill

Well my first day of giving did not go as planned and quite frankly neither did my second. Yesterday was my birthday and I thought that it would be great to celebrate by giving back. For my 50th birthday, I had requested from my friends and family that in lieu of gifts, everyone do an act of kindness, hoping that we could complete 50 by the end of the day. We were successful and my beautiful tribe even presented me with a trifold poster board with pictures and stories about the philanthropy they bestowed upon our communities.

On that day 5 years ago, there was a mobile blood bank parked in the local strip mall. I had spontaneously popped in to donate blood but unfortunately due to time constraints, it was not possible. Ironically, that same (or at least it looked the same) truck was parked in the lot this year. Perfect for a start to a year of giving! I parked and went in with veins bulging ready to get pricked. (Yes, I really have great blood giving veins!) Bummer for me, they had just closed for the day. It was only 3:00pm but I suppose since they plan an hour for the blood draw and they still need to drive back to home base, it makes sense. I recently read a great quote, “blood can circulate forever if you keep donating it”. Since the mobile truck will be back there on August 10th, so will I.

Today I really have no circumstantial or physical excuse for not making magic happen. Perhaps as Winston states, sometimes all he has to offer are tears. Today was one of those days for me. I couldn’t get out of my own head. Divorce is terribly hard. Rejection is terribly hard. Loneliness is terribly hard. I couldn’t leave the house. I tried but I couldn’t get farther than a short walk. My heart knows that if I had gone out and did something, anything, for someone else, I could have felt better. My mind just refused to cooperate. I had ideas, lots of ideas. I just didn’t have the gumption to execute today.

My morning started off seriously contemplating the question of when. When will my pain end? When can I stop hurting? When can I put the grief behind me for good? I have moments, hours, days of happiness, then sadness overwhelms me. My sorrow was compounded today while talking to one of my children about his own melancholy. My heart breaks for my child. I just want him to feel the unabashed joy that childhood (or young adulthood, in his case) offers. In Beth Moore’s book, The Quest, she asked the question, I know joy comes in the morning, but when on earth will it be morning?

I feel as if I have just started to understand the answer to that question. Today was certainly a day of reflection, introspection and trying to reset my psyche. Healing does not happen overnight. Nor is it something you can just decide as an outcome. (trust me, I have tried) As my friend Lynn says, brokenness can’t be beaten, it has to be surrendered. Maybe when you surrender, maybe when you become completely vulnerable, maybe when you have unfaltering faith, you can see the sunrise.

My mission for tomorrow’s dawn is to get out of my own head and into someone else’s life. Make a difference in this world. Put a smile on someone’s face, inspire someone to become a better person, give someone hope, love or a shoulder to lean on. My aim is to remember that faith is not fearless but to remember you are never without God. Looking forward to a joyous morning!