Do Not Be Afraid

Surreal, crazy, scary, disappointing, just some of the words that come to mind during this coronavirus pandemic we are experiencing. I had self-quarantined my family as of March 11th upon finding out that I had worked several days with a person who tested positive. On the 15th I woke up in the middle of the night feeling as if a vice was squeezing my chest together. Because I also was running a low-grade fever, I went for the test. Thank God, 9 days later the results were negative. I am feeling physically much better. I can’t begin to say how grateful I am for all the caring phone calls and texts during the waiting period. The food deliveries from Jodi, Leslie, Jill, and Kellie were lifesavers. I can without a doubt say that I feel loved.

I do feel loved yet sometimes that doesn’t seem to be enough. Everybody I talk to is trying to stay positive, stay on a routine, exercise, and get fresh air. It is not always easy though. With so much uncertainty, comes doubt and fear. I have had a few days where the panic attacks took over. Wondering if I am still going to have a job, get paid and have health insurance. Looking at the future, I have been trying to plot out a plan so that I can earn enough money to live on. What skills do I need to acquire? Do I need to go back to school? Where do I want to live? What is going to happen with my daughter’s senior year? There are so many questions and not enough answers.

I have read several articles that cited many of these feelings are the same feelings that are experienced with grief. Isolation feels lonely. The unanswered questions give me doubt. The life I was finally getting together is once again, changed. For how long, another unanswered question. I have experienced my fair share of grief and don't want to go there.

Yesterday, I tuned in to listen to the Pope. It was like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. His message was of hope. Faith begins when we are in need of salvation. He said that we need the Lord and to invite Jesus into our lives. We can hand over our fears to Him. There is no shipwreck with Jesus on board of our boat because he is our serenity in our storm. Pope Francis reminded the world to not be afraid, that He has risen, and that proclamation saves us. “Do not be afraid,” is written in the Bible 365 times. That is a strong message.

So, when the fear and anxiety start to creep back in, I will remind myself, do not be afraid. I will stop and get back in the present moment. From that vantage point I can see the joy in my life. I see the innovation from my son stemming from the fact I do not have enough weights to support his lifting regimen. It puts a smile on my face that he put them all in a carryon to do his bicep curls. As much as I don’t understand about technology, I am grateful for everything that I do know. Social media, Zoom, texting have been critical at keeping my friends and family connected. Although it is a slow process, I can also feel positive I am learning new computer skills on this unfortunate hiatus. I can look at my leopard painted nails with delight knowing I got to spend quality time with my daughter as she painted them. I can also be thankful for my eldest making me laugh and sharing his Netflix recommendations. All of these small joys bring me back to the present and remind me to not be afraid.

Murder, Mayhem and Madness. I think I am a little afraid of the Tiger King! ;)