My Journey

I woke up today thinking about intimacy. A friend told me that as long as your have secrets, true connection will feel impossible. That feeling of emotional closeness will evade the relationship. Perhaps this is why being vulnerable is so hard. When we open ourselves up to others, we run the risk of getting hurt. In my case, I was unaware that the cold hard truth wasn’t on the table. I knew over the time from my ex telling me about the affair to the time that he left, that we had issues to work through, I just didn’t know his deepest secret, that he still cared about her. Maybe that’s not totally true. I questioned him many times. So, I guess my instincts were correct. I just didn’t want to believe it or give up on us.

Fast forward three years and I still have intimacy and trust issues, but I feel like a have a better handle on accepting the rejection. I sometimes beat myself up for not “being over” him. I then remind myself that 22 years with someone is a long time. We did have intimacy. We did have emotional closeness, we did have love. I am starting to be able to look back and remember the good times without the blinding pain. Perhaps it is because I now accept me for me, the good, the bad and everything in between. Perhaps it is truly being on the path of forgiveness. Perhaps a little of both.

I surely have made many mistakes over the years. I could have done many things differently, but I can’t change the outcome now. The same goes for him. For me, choosing forgiveness is very freeing. For me, accepting that I am lovable is a confidence builder. I think recognizing that God’s love for me is infinite, is exhilarating. His grace and mercy are beautiful reminders of His love. God has required us to forgive, and He did not only say it once but many times. If I remind myself that it is more blessed to give than to receive, forgiveness seems that much easier. It is a burden to hold on to so much pain. It is such a relief to let it go.

I have read that forgiveness is a journey. I am finding that the journey is going by more quickly trusting in God’s word. The fears that I was holding onto for so long are fading fast. I can breathe easier and smile because I am finding comfort in letting go of the grief that I have been carrying for so long. I read a quote today from the book, A Course in Miracles. “The presence of fear is a sure sign that you are trusting in your own strength. The awareness that there is nothing to fear shows that somewhere in your mind, though not necessarily in a place your recognize as yet, you have remembered God, and let his strength take the place of your weakness. The instant you are willing to do this there is indeed nothing to fear.”

My journey may be taking longer than I like or longer than someone else thinks it should take, however, I can certainly say I have learned a lot. With each passing day, my heart grows stronger, my faith deeper, my fear is gone (for the most part), and forgiveness continues to be a priority. My heart is full of joy today. I like that feeling. Maybe intimacy is next!