Seasons Change and So Do I

I woke up yesterday with the song Freedom playing in my head. Really, it was just the part when the word freedom that was repeating over and over. I immediately came downstairs and added it to my playlist, listening to it several times throughout the day. There was something that really resonated with the word freedom.

Many of the decisions that I have made in the past several years have been based on fear. Fear of losing my husband is the most obvious. I believed that we were meant to be together and forgave him for the affair. Fear of saying the wrong things to him because I wanted him to realize he made a mistake. Fear for my children's emotional wellbeing. I have made many mistakes along the way by making choices on fear. I have raised my voice and gotten angry because of fear. It is the go to, easy emotion when the anxiety hits. It is not the correct reaction by any means because it couldn't be farther that the truth of how I was really feeling, scared.

Something clicked for me about a week ago and slowly I have been realizing that the grief is changing. I mourn the loss of my husband, but I don't mourn the loss of who he is today. I am seeing things in a different light and understanding that I am not interested in having relationships with people who are not vulnerable, truthful, and honest. Honest, as in respectable, as well as, honorable in principles, intentions and actions. Truthful as in believable and trustworthy. In talking to my therapist, she said that he and I are truly different people than we were before this lifechanging event occurred. Our brains have processed information, as well as the experience, therefore we are forever affected by our story.

The move has been harrowing but good. I am still unpacking (or avoiding unpacking) 3 weeks later. I feel that having gone through this experience alone has enlightened me to see my own potential while at the same time grounding my daughter and I in our own home. I feel empowered and strong. The fear has subsided. My lenses that were once foggy are now much clearer. I feel a positive energy moving me into the future. I feel God's love. I am thrilled to be experiencing freedom from what fear brings. Another song by Cray, Seasons Change and So Do I, is also on my playlist this month.

It's a dark cloud that I have been sitting on

Let the rain cross down 'cause I'm going strong...

Shed my skin now I'm ready to begin...

Seasons change and so do I

The lyrics ring true.

#seasonschangeandsodoi #cray