Stop Worrying and Let Go

Almost to the day 4 years ago my ex told me about his affair. Throughout this time I have been depressed, madly in love with him, saddened beyond my imagination and have never felt so rejected that there were days I couldn't get out of bed. The pain is still there 4 years later. It is a different pain though. It is mourning the end of a life that I had been promised. It is going through the grief process. Some days it is thinking about what could have been.

The last week has been especially hard, selling everything, packing and also trying to find a new home for my daughter and 2 dogs. I have had sleepless nights wondering if I will find a place that accepts the pups, and if I do, will they approve a woman who doesn't earn the proper salary to "afford" the rent. I have shed many tears, given myself pep talks as well as continuing to reread a most inspiring Bible verse, Matthew 6:34. The verse says, "Therefore, so not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." If it were only that easy that I didn't have to remind myself regularly.

I purposely tried to be giving today in small ways. I bought the guy behind me at the coffee shop a drink, donated at the grocery store to help the hungry, and am attending my National Charity League, (NCL) BOD meeting tonight. The first two gave me glimmers of hope and put a smile on my face but unfortunately they didn't make the cut to keep that cheerful attitude. I need to give an inspirational story at the beginning of all of the meetings and while searching for something fitting to this meetings theme, self care, I came across a story that I had used previously. As I reread the story again, I realized how much holding on I was doing and how much letting go I need to do.

This is the story of two Zen monks, Tanzan and Ekido, who were walking along a country road that had become extremely muddy after heavy rains. Near a village, they came upon a young woman who was trying to cross the road, but the mud was so deep it would have ruined the silk kimono she was wearing. Tanzan at once picked her up and carried her to the other side.

The monks walked on in silence. Five hours later, as they were approaching the lodging temple, Ekido couldn’t restrain himself any longer. “Why did you carry that girl across the road?” he asked. “We monks are not supposed to do things like that.”

“I put the girl down hours ago,” said Tanzan. “Are you still carrying her?”

I had to reflect and ask myself the same thing. My heart was so heavy this week and I was ready to let go of the sadness I was carrying. How beautifully this story illustrates how we hold on to things far too long and how often we are unable to let go. I know I have held on for various reasons. I wanted for a long time to know why and how this could have happened to my marriage. Lynn has asked me, "what would you do with this information"? The answers would not change the outcome and perhaps they would even cause more pain. Letting go and moving forward is the only viable option. Matthew's Bible verse and this little parable have reminded me to stop worrying and let go of the weight.