That's Just Living

I read a quote from L.R. Knost recently that has been haunting me. “Life is amazing. And then it’s awful. And then it’s amazing again. And in between the amazing and the awful it’s ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary. That’s just living, heartbreaking, soul healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And it’s breathtakingly beautiful.”

It haunts me because I think back to shortly after my ex told me that he had an affair. I remember saying he just wanted life to just be. I can’t really remember exactly what he said but what I remember is, he just wanted no drama…calmness and ease. Right after expressing his desire on how he wanted his life to be, I recall we went shopping to Trader Joes. We laughed so much on this outing. He was dancing in the aisles like he always did when we shopped together. I remember thinking how great we were as a couple and how it could still be, with some forgiveness, acceptance and lots of love. I was terrified of losing him, I loved him. I said that I forgave him, but. There was the but. I couldn’t pretend that it didn’t happen. I wanted too. It was just impossible. Just living for me now had a whole new dimension.

Over the next 2 years, there were times I was deeply hurt and brought up the issue and other times I could let it go. Finally, a year and a half later I promised to not bring up the affair again. I promised and he promised he loved me. I kept up my end of the bargain. I am now laughing at the thought of not talking about something that hurts to the core as a bargaining tool. Nonetheless, I didn’t bring it up anymore, even if there was a trigger. I held on through the awful.

I think what really hit hard about this quote was that I live it. I believe it. I don’t think that the grass is greener in the other side. I think you have to go through the awful to appreciate the beautiful. Almost another 2 years have passed since he left. I have no regrets that I tried to make my marriage work. Sometimes life throws the muck at us full throttle. I loved our ordinary, I loved our awful, (ok, maybe not the affair awful but the daily awful), I loved my family’s routines and rituals. Today, some are the same and some are different, but I love them the same. I feel closer to my kids than I ever have before and that is due to the awful, the mundane ordinary life that we live. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I find it breathtakingly beautiful.