Things That Can Be Equally True

When I first began my, A Year of Magical Giving journey, I was in a very grief-stricken period of my life. The sadness I feel has changed from a constant pain, to pangs of fleeting melancholy. Facebook likes to remind me of my memories, as I am sure it does for everyone. The posts always evoke a dichotomy of emotion. I tend to use Facebook as a scrapbook of not just my life but my families lives as well. Over the last few months I have been reminded of many vacations, moments or days. It certainly can bring on a feeling of wistfulness however, I feel joyful that I had the opportunity to experience everything with my family that made us who we are today. I am grateful to have had so many fun times, trips, parties, reunions, and life experiences that I look back upon with pure happiness and love. Obviously, the flip side is that sometimes it can bring on a rush of heartache over the loss.

Music can also be a jarring reminder of my past. I recently read a quote, “With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything. That certainly resonates with me. Sometimes it happens when I am in a store or perhaps at a friend’s house. That song begins playing and a flashback occurs that brings back a moment in time. Sometimes those moments bring tears to my eyes as I recall the mainly good times, yet sometimes the bad.

Sunday night I had a BBQ with my kids, their friends and a few of mine as well. I was shopping and cooking all day. I love to entertain but since moving and Covid 19, this was the first get together. I was playing some very danceable, chill house music when my temporary roommate got home to help me get ready. She mentioned my loud Sonos playing. I told her; it keeps me out of loneliness. The kitchen has now turned into a nightclub!

Facebook and music have a way of calling attention to a variety of emotions, sometimes all within one minute. Those emotions, although on opposite ends of the spectrum can be equally true. The quote above mentions more things that can be equally true. Its quotes like these that remind me it is ok to sometimes need the opposite of what you are striving for.

Before I was married, I lived in NYC for 5 years. I was on top of the world. I had confidence, my own apartment, friends, an amazing job, a family close by, and my faith. Independence was my strength. Having a family of my own taught me that I still needed others and even more importantly, needing people brought me even more comfort than I ever knew was possible. Today, living alone has brought out that fierce independent side again however, I cherish needing others in my life.

Probably the one statement on the list that I struggle with the most is, I was sure and things changed. Change is hard for me. Not a change in plans but life changes. Every move to a new state was exciting, yet frightening. Becoming a parent, exhilarating yet, terrifying. Divorce was devastating although new doors opened. All equally true sentiments.

I suppose for me, the biggest takeaway from seeing this quip was that it made me realize it is ok to be sad sometimes even though I am happy. I find it beautiful to know that what I remember about my marriage and family life can bring me great happiness while looking back. Although sometimes a wave of heartache sneaks in, I know my dual feelings are equally true. One of these does not cancel the other. It is words of wisdom like these that confirm we are complex, loving, impassioned individuals that deserve to feel a range of emotions without judgement from ourselves.