Trigger Unhappy

I have been struggling with an issue that I need to deal with concerning my ex. I have felt that I really need to dig deep into my own shortcomings before addressing the problem. If for any reason I have implied that I do not believe that it takes two to tango or separate, it was an oversight. In the last 6 months I have been introduced to the enneagram. In short, the enneagram is a model of the human psyche which is based on 9 interconnected personality types. I am a full blown seven. The seven is an enthusiast. Always up for a last minute adventure, spontaneous, busy, fun loving, have lots of friends as well as other trait you can imagine fall into this optimist category. Yes, that is me! I love that part of me. Some of the downsides of the seven are, FOMO, it's hard for me to finish things, I quickly get bored, but probably the biggest problem for me being a seven is that I can be argumentative and act superior, usually with the people closest to me.

I have talked about fear being one of the biggest factors in how I have handled myself when the situations have gotten tough. Today, after a long deep conversation with Lynn, I recognized a second deception that I have been living with and that is indignation. I am not really angry at the situation but I am angry about the injustice of it. And yes, there is some truth in that, I do have a right to feel indignant. I can't use that as an excuse to justify feelings I have. It came up because I started a new secondary therapy, EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a psychotherapy treatment to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories. During today's session we came up with a statement that I need to challenge and learn how to rethink. I had to close my eyes and basically every 30 seconds up to 2 minutes I just sit quietly and relay my thoughts after deep breathing. The timing is questionable on my part because I really I have no idea but I believe that is the timeframe and this went on for somewhere between 30-40 minutes.

The whole time was a stream of consciousness experience. At the end of the session I felt a little crazy at my responses that I relayed that to her. She told me it was very normal and I would probably feel drained. Drained I did feel. I found myself weeping as I was talking to her which shocked me. I also was extremely emotional for the following hour, again unexpected. One of the segments I had brought up during my quiet thinking times was my insecurity of trust. Not just my insecurities but my daughter's as well. She recently has brought this issue to my attention due to a new dating relationship. I did however talk in the next interval about how I had hope, so much hope for the future as well as hope in believing in trust and hoping to be able to restore the ability for my daughter to trust again.

The statement that I came up with that I need to rethink is a tricky one. "I am not good enough". I actually don't really believe this statement. I believe that I am good enough. I am loved, I am respected, I am fun. God loves me. The trigger comes when I think of the affair. I wasn't good enough for him. That's the painful part. Its a lie, but it throws me every time. I can easily go down a rabbit hole when the unwanted thoughts pop into my head, or a song comes on the radio, or I pass his apartment. My brain is fully aware that I am perfect just the way I am, God created me in his likeness after all! My heart however, still breaks a little every time I think about not being enough, which then can sometimes spur on the indignation as a defense mechanism. Oh, what a vicious cycle. I think that recognizing this flawed thinking will be key to the continued healing process. I have made great strides and am looking forward to my next EMDR session to learning how to rethink the handling of the triggers.