To Being Wild and Free

It's been months since I have written. There have been so many changes. Becoming an empty nester, moving, learning to navigate a new city and the death of one of my dearest friends. Sometimes it has been overwhelming, sometimes the pain of loss and heartbreak has been unbearable, sometimes it gets lonely and yet, it has been a thrilling, exciting transition.

Before I delve into some of my most recent eye opening thoughts, because this blog is called, A Year of Magical Giving, I would like to share my appreciation to some of the most loving, giving friends a girl could have. I could not have made this move without selling and donating over half of my belongings. Leslie, Gigi, and Kellie will probably never have another garage sale thanks to me. They have stood by me and haggled with the best of them. I think we did over 25 sales over the last 18 months. That does not even include all of the online posts! Jodi, always popping in to lend a hand with her rare free moments. She even cleaned the garbage cans... talk about a superstar. Jill, for rescuing me right at the moments I was about to lose it and finishing all of the last minute details and Lauray for spending a week cleaning, unpacking and decorating with me. When I say cleaning, I mean cleaning. Every square inch needed to be dusted, scrubbed, waxed, and shined. Thanks to her mad skills, we got it done. The giving hearts of my friends evoke such gratitude that really no words can describe accurately enough.

I am also so thankful to be a part of my book club. Thanks to Zoom, I can still stay in touch and participate each month. Our December book club is, Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Before I started reading I listened to the Podcast she did on Unlocking Us. I have to say, at first I was a little thrown by Glennon's ideology with the statement, "Wasn't it supposed to be more beautiful than this?". She had been married and eventually left her husband. She realized she was living the life that was forecasted for her, not one she defined. Glennon realized that she was going to be happiest staying true to herself. By showing her true self to her children, not a version dictated by expectations, she would broaden their internal views of living honestly.

At first I was inherently bothered by the narrative. That statement would go against everything I have been struggling with since my husband left me for another woman. I then remembered that her husband had cheated on her many times. I read, Love Warrior by Glennon, (her personal story of infidelity, betrayal and redemption), during the time right after my ex told me about the affair. I have the unfortunate, first hand understanding of how hard it is to get to a place of peace and beauty after deceit. I still believe it possible though, just with hard work, honesty, resilience and obviously, the right partner.

Getting back to Untamed, there is a chapter called Blow Jobs. She tells us she would land in a fiery rage during sex and I can only imagine other times as well. During these rages, Glennon admits she hated him. Why didn't I ever feel that rage? That hate? Why wasn't I that angry? I was heartbroken, defeated, betrayed, and so sad, but why not vengeful?. Don't get me wrong, I raised my voice many times, but it was out of fear more that anger or even sometimes indignation. I wish I knew fiery rage. Did I just try and do the right thing? Did I just bite my tongue so I didn't rock the boat? So many times I heard stories of how other women would have taken revenge. Now, all I can think of is, "What's wrong with me?".

Last night I reread an old blog from a year ago. It was called Meaningful Values. I was reminded that yes, I did try and do the right thing. I wanted to do right for myself and not regret irrational behavior due to emotional stress. Trust me, I have had my fair share of ugly insecurities, outbursts, and played out many spiteful scenarios in my head, but there was a lot on the line to be my best self. I felt I needed to be a role model for how to handle, not only disappointment but also the eventual happiness from truly recognizing your own self worth as well as handling and overcoming adverse situations. I needed to behave in the way that I could live with myself and live honestly.

But, I still pondered the last week on why I lacked the fury of a scorned woman. I think I realized it was because I did not hate him. I still loved him after the betrayal. I wanted us to work. I was much more devastated by the breach of trust, and, the lack of what I thought was mutual respect, rather than contempt. I think for me, the beginning of my "untaming" begins with forgiving, and being comfortable in my own skin by facing my fears, pains, and joys head on.

Glennon also reflects in her podcast, "Perhaps, our imagination is NOT where we go to escape reality, perhaps imagination is where we go to discover the truest reality." I have worked very hard on healing my heart and so much is due to my imagination. I imagine myself completely fulfilled, my kids succeeding, even that that my ex is happier than he has ever been. Sometimes it is not realistic, possible or even desirable but our reality is all we have. We can dream and strive to be anything we want to be. I imagined a happy life in sunny Scottsdale and feel like I am living my dream. Obviously the implications of imagining our truest realities are much more vast than that but this is a blog, not a book, so I will keep it short!

Glennon also defines faith as a belief in an unseen order of things. For me, faith has been the belief that God has a plan and I put my full trust in Him. Definitely a belief in the unseen, but I have seen the fruit of the Lord. I have envisioned a life with meaning and purpose, one that makes every day more thrilling than the last, yet one where I can still have empathy and compassion and feel the pain that makes life beautiful. Now when I imagine my truest reality, I think to myself, "but wasn't it supposed to be more beautiful than the last few years?", and I know I am on the right path....to being wild and free and untamed.